


Every Version Of Me Loves You

by cosmicci



Category: Jaspar - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: AU, Angst, Best Friends to Lovers, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Sadness, a little steam, disorder, jaspar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 04:56:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6501595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicci/pseuds/cosmicci
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Every version of myself has fallen in love with you." </p><p>[talks about personality disorders so please read at your own risk <3]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Version Of Me Loves You

**Author's Note:**

> hello again! so this was actually a request from a wattpad user and it's basically about D.I.D or dissociative identity disorder where a person has more than one identity or personality. the one-shot is divided into seperate parts so i hope it kind of fits all together and makes sense! <3

 

 

_Three years ago..._

 

Caspar clutched the bouquet of flowers tightly in his hands as he made his way through the stark, white hallways of the hospital. His heart was beating erratically, thumping painfully against his ribcage and making it hard for him to breathe properly but the feel of the flowers in his hands and the thought of Joe's smile in his head kept him grounded, kept him from falling further into the dark state of mind he was currently in. It wasn't every day your best friend was admitted to hospital after having an emotional 'episode.'  


_What the fuck was an emotional, 'episode' anyway?_  


He shook his head bitterly as he kept walking. He wasn't stupid, he was fifteen years old, he knew enough to know that the term was just a cover-up to what was  _really_ going on... to what was really happening. The thought of knowing the truth scared him just as much as it made him curious because all he wanted was his best friend to be okay, all he wanted was to have Joe back. He didn't care if he was flawed after all this, he didn't care if there was something wrong with him as all he cared about was having Joe in his life.  


The blonde boy turned a corner with a sharp curve of his foot and he stumbled upon a waiting room. Many of the quaint, little linoleum chairs were empty except for one which was located right beside Joe's hospital room. Caspar noticed Tracy Sugg right away, he noticed the way Joe's mother was hunched over slightly, her face looking grey and tired. He approached her quietly, his heart pattering away in his chest and his fingers tightening around the flowers. "Hi, Mrs. Sugg," He murmured. "How are you?"  


She looked up and a small smile lit up her papery features, "Caspar."  


Tracy stood up on shaky legs and reached for Caspar. She hugged the boy tightly, having to rise up on her tiptoes because Caspar had grown taller over the holidays and well, he was a giant compared to her tiny frame. "It's nice to see a friendly face around here," She said before releasing Caspar.  


Caspar smiled down at her but it was forced, all he could think about was Joe. Joe, who he could see strapped to a hospital bed through the foggy, glass window opposite them... Joe who had his eyes closed and all sorts of wires attached to him. He still looked as beautiful as ever. "How is he?"  


Tracy's smile faltered slightly and she dropped her gaze to the ground before looking up at Caspar again, "He's doing alright, he... he hasn't had any more episodes... just the one from last night."  


Caspar wasn't sure what to say, he wasn't even sure whether he wanted to ask what an 'episode' was because right now, the fear outweighed his curiosity. So he played with his flowers instead, they were looking a little bit wilted but he had bought them because Joe loved flowers, he loved colour and these flowers were as colourful as flowers got. "I brought him some flowers," Caspar said finally, in a small voice.  


"I'm sure he'll appreciate them, Caspar," Tracy replied, her eyes softening slightly. She placed a hand on Caspar's arm then and her tone dropped, growing more serious and Caspar knew it was time for the cold, hard truth. "You and Joe have been best friends for such a long time. I remember when you two were running around in diapers, annoying the life out of Graham and Zoe."  


A small laugh escaped Tracy's lips before she continued, using her free hand to wipe a stray tear that had somehow made its way down her pale cheek. "I know-I know how much you care about him, Caspar."  


"What's going on?" Caspar whispered, his throat hoarse and tears gathering at the back of his eyes.  


"I'm sorry," Tracy stifled a sob by covering her mouth with an unsteady hand. "But when Joe wakes up, he won't be the same person, he won't be the person you remember Caspar. I-I... this episode he had, it was nothing like we've ever seen before... it was like he turned into a completely different person for those few, agonizing minutes. Nothing could reach him, he was out of control and I-I just need to warn you before you go and get yourself hurt that this is  _him_ now. He's a boy with three, different... sides to him and... and..."  


Caspar placed a reassuring hand on Tracy's shoulder. She and her husband, Graham had been there for Caspar and his own mother more times than he could remember, more times than he could count on both of his hands. He owed them everything, he owed them everything for loving him as one of his own, for filling up the empty void that his father had left behind when he had walked out of their lives.  


"I understand if it's too much for you to handle," She continued. "I understand if Joe gets too much and if you don't –  


Caspar hadn't even witnessed one of Joe's 'episodes' yet, he hadn't even seen Joe and all his sides yet but somehow, he just knew. "It could never be too much for me," He turned away from Tracy and stared at Joe through the window, he studied the way his brown hair flopped over his forehead, remembering the way he constantly pushed it aside because it always got in his eyes; he studied the peaceful expression on Joe's face and remembered everything about their friendship so far. He wouldn't abandon his best friend. "He's my best friend, he'll always be my best friend and I don't care if he's a different person, I don't care if I get hurt because it's him and for him, I would do anything. Anything at all."  


➳  


_Three years later..._

 

_The Repressed Identity_

 

Out of the three, different versions of himself, the version that Joe hated the most was his repressed identity. He hated the quiet loneliness he felt, he hated the silence, he hated having to hide away his emotions and not being able to feel happy, not being able to feel like himself. But the truth was, Joe wasn't exactly sure who he was, he hadn't known who he was since he was fifteen years old, and he hadn't been able to define himself as one, whole person since his parents started treating him as three, different people.  


Three, broken pieces.  


Joe flopped back onto his bed with a sigh, he didn't feel like getting up. This identity was wearing him down, it always wore him down. He buried his face into his pillow and curled his body around the blankets, his whole body was numb, his mind was numb and he could barely feel anything. Joe listened to the commotion downstairs, he could hear Zoe laughing at something with his Dad, he could hear his Mum bustling around in the kitchen and he could also hear the faint traces of a familiar, South-African accent.  


Caspar was here. But then again, when  _wasn't_ he here? He had stuck by Joe since that fateful day where he was first diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and Joe couldn't be more grateful, he couldn't be more grateful to have such a friend in his life. He was so, fucking lucky but he couldn't help but wonder how long this would last, how long would Caspar stick around?  


He had already seen him at his worst – he had seen Joe in the middle of one of his many, emotional 'episodes' where he lost all control and merged all three, of his different identities together... but yet, he was still here. Joe decided to find comfort in that thought, he tried to be hopeful but he couldn't, the repression was pinning him to his bed, pinning him away from all emotion.  


Joe looked up slightly at the sound of his bedroom door clicking open before dropping his head back onto his pillow. He knew it was Caspar, he could smell the Burberry cologne he always wore, mixed with the scent of something sweeter – probably whatever it was his Mum was cooking up downstairs. He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Caspar crossing the room, he listened to the sound of something rustling before he finally felt the bed dip with Caspar's weight.  


He felt cool fingers brush his cheek and opened his eyes hesitantly to find Caspar staring at him, a 'kiss me' smile on his face and his messy blonde hair tamed by a maroon-coloured beanie. "Hey," Caspar whispered before holding up a brown, paper bag. "I brought you something sweet."  


Joe chewed on his bottom lip, he was such a sucker for sweet foods and as much as he wanted to lean over and take it out of Caspar's hands with a small 'thank you,' he knew he couldn't. He shook his head at Caspar.  


"C'mon Joe," Caspar said, placing the bag on the bed and rubbing his hands together. "I had to walk three blocks for this and then I had to run back here so they wouldn't get cold. I got them for you, they're still warm."  


Joe sighed, he wanted to talk to Caspar but the words were stuck in his throat. The words always got stuck when he was in this identity and the people around him were lucky enough to hear him say only a few words. He reached for the paper bag with a shrug, rolling his shoulders slightly. Caspar grinned in triumph.  


"I knew you couldn't say no," The blonde boy murmured, pulling at Joe's duvet and climbing into the bed beside the brunette. "They  _are_ the best pastries in town, after all."  


Joe pulled out the two pastries in the bag, he picked out one for himself and held the other one out for Caspar. The South-African stared at him dubiously before saying, "They're for you."  


He pushed the pastry towards Caspar again, this time with firmly and with a no-nonsense look to his eyes. Caspar took one look at those big, blue eyes and the heat behind them before laughing and taking the pastry out of Joe's hand. He had been around Joe long enough in this particular identity that he knew how Joe often communicated with his eyes and his gestures rather than his voice whenever he was feeling repressed... and he also knew not to mess with Joe. "Mmm," Caspar moaned as he bit into the chocolate-filled delicacy. "Tastes like fucking heaven."  


A small smile touched Joe's lips, the first smile since he had woken up and discovered that this was his identity for the day. He brought his own pastry up to his lips but managed to keep his moan of delight in check, what he didn't managed to keep in check was the flutter of his eyelids and the bright smile that overtook his face. Caspar's eyes widened slightly at the smile, it wasn't often that he got a smile out of Joe on days like these. He tried his best to, he tried even harder to make a fool out of himself on these days and sometimes it worked while sometimes it didn't... so it always surprised him to see that gorgeous smile, even if it was just for a brief second.  


The two boys sat there in silence, Caspar had long ago accepted the fact that Joe didn't talk in this identity, he had come to terms with it and it was almost just  _normal_ for them to have 'silent' conversations now. Once they had both devoured their pastries, Joe surprised Caspar even more by shuffling closer and resting his head on the South-African's shoulder. Caspar brought a shaky arm up and slipped it around Joe's shoulders, his heart was bursting out of his chest.  


Joe tangled their fingers together and looked up at Caspar. Caspar met him in the middle and their eyes collided before Joe smiled softly, a smile that spoke a thousand words, a smile that told Caspar 'thank you.' The brunette closed his eyes, the feeling of Caspar's shoulder under his cheek was reassuring but he had also decided that it was overwhelming. So, fucking overwhelming.  


"I love you, Joe,"  


_I think...I..._  


  ➳    


_The Aggressive Identity_

 

Joe was a ticking time bomb today, he was just waiting to explode. He had already snapped at teachers, pissed off his father at breakfast, pushed his sister aside... and it was only lunchtime. It was  _only_ lunchtime, he still had to get through the rest of the day without murdering anyone because that was precisely how he felt in this identity – he felt on edge, he felt angry, he was outspoken and not at all what he was like when he was repressed.  


He was just all over the place, a mess.  


But, he still preferred it over his repressed identity because at least he could feel something, at least he wasn't numb with nothingness. Joe pushed open the cafeteria doors, his hands clenched into fists and weaved his way through the crowds of noisy students, towards the lunch line. Everything about the cafeteria was pissing him off today, he wished people would just move out of the way instead of bunching together in groups, he wished they would stop shouting so loudly because they were literally only a few centimeters away from whoever it was they were talking to... he wished that people would staring at him because he wasn't afraid to tell them to sod off.  


Joe grabbed his tray of food and gripped it tightly in his hands before pushing past an unsuspecting girl who was in his way and walking towards his usual table. Caspar wasn't there yet but Zoe was, he could make out his sister's brown-blonde hair which cascaded down her back in a ponytail and the way she was hunched over some textbook. He made his way over to her briskly and dropped his tray down on the table, choosing to sit opposite her.  


"Hello, Joseph," Zoe said, forcing a smile onto her face.  


Joe ignored her like he always did when he was in his aggressive identity. It was just easier that way because that way, he wouldn't inadvertently hurt her which was the worst part of this identity as he could hurt people so easily with his actions, he could hurt them and wake up the next morning with no recollection of ever hurting anyone.  


"Are you really just going to ignore me?"  


Joe kept his head down.  


"Joe!" Zoe reached forward and grabbed his arm.  


Joe pulled away quickly, "Don't fucking touch me."  


His sister brought her hand back immediately, her face looking crest-fallen, "Don't be like that."  


"Be like  _what_?"  


"So hostile!"  


"Well, I'm so  _fucking_ sorry, Zoe. But I can't exactly help it can I? I mean, I'm that boy with three, different identities, I'm the boy that no one knows how to talk to because they aren't sure who the fuck I am in any given day. Fuck –  


"Whoa," Caspar's voice came from behind him and his hand came up to rest on Joe's shoulder. Joe wriggled away from Caspar's hand and turned away, keeping his head down and gazing intently at his plate of food. "What was that all about?"  


Zoe shook her head, "Be careful Caspar, he's-he's aggressive today, more than –  


"Can you not talk about me like I'm not fucking here? Because I am!" Joe yelled, gritting his teeth. "I'm  _right_ here."  


Caspar's hand returned to Joe's shoulder, "Hey, Joe," He said softly, his thumb brushing Joe's collarbone. "It's okay. Just –  


"Fuck off, Caspar," Joe wrenched his shoulder away from his best friend. He didn't want anyone to touch him, he didn't want anyone to talk to him, he didn't want to hear Caspar's soft voice dripping with concern... he just wanted to be left alone, goddamnit. "Leave me alone."  


"No,"  


"God, will you stop pushing?!" Joe shouted, turning back and facing Caspar head-on, completely disregarding the pained expression on the blonde boy's face. "You're so fucking annoying. I can see why your Dad left now, I can see why you're all alone and why you're always hanging around at our house. You probably pushed him too far as well and that's why he left, isn't it?"  


"Joe!" Zoe shouted, slapping a hand on the table. "That's enough!"  


"Fuck you," Joe muttered.  


They were all silent for a few minutes. It was a painstaking silence and somehow, through his aggressive identity, Joe immediately realized that he had done something wrong, he had fucked up. Caspar was studying the table with interest, his eyes downcast and his face slightly pale, his fingers played with the edges of his own lunch tray before he got up quietly, avoiding everyone's gaze. "I-I... excuse me,"  


"Oh, Caspar," Zoe rose from her chair and reached for the boy but Caspar was already making his way out of the cafeteria. She glanced at Joe briefly, her blue eyes, so similar to Joe's own were brimming with tears and then she left, running after Caspar.  


Joe pushed his tray away and dropped his head into his hands. He could feel his aggressive identity diminishing with every minute he spent in the cafeteria, every minute Caspar was out there because in all their years of friendship, in all the years Joe had been diagnosed with this disorder, Caspar had never left him... Caspar had never walked away but then again, Joe had never said anything so despicable before either. Without a further thought, Joe himself made his way out of the cafeteria on shaky legs, he was determined to fight through the aggression still circulating inside of him and find Caspar. Find Caspar and apologize, find Caspar and beg on both of his knees if he had to because he couldn't lose him.  


He didn't have to go very far because he found Caspar just outside of the cafeteria, pacing up and down the hallway with Zoe in tow, eyeing him warily. Joe leaned against the nearest wall for support and listened.  


"Caspar, I'm so sorry," Zoe whispered. "That was too much, Joe took it way too far and I'm sorry, you have every right to be mad at him and I wouldn't be surprised at all if you gave up now, if you left..."  


"It's not his fault, Zoe," Caspar replied, pausing in his pacing strides and turning to face her properly. "It's not your's either. I know how difficult it must be for Joe, it must be so fucking hard to be controlled by one emotion."  


Joe felt his heart falter, he felt it stutter, he felt the aggression drain from his body. Why wasn't Caspar angry?  


"I don't-I don't understand, how can you be so..." Zoe trailed off, trying to find the right words to say. "How can you be so accepting?"  


"Because he's Joe," The South-African replied, slumping against a nearby locker. "What he said hurts but I know he didn't mean it, it was just the aggressive part of him speaking."  


A tear slid down Joe's cheek.  


"You love him," His sister finally said, her voice came out in a tone that was understanding, in a tone that said it all made sense now.  


"More than anything in the world,"  


_I... I'm falling..._  


  ➳    


_The Overly-Affectionate Identity_

 

This version of himself was by-far the  _best_  because it almost made Joe feel as though he was whole, as though he was the person he used to be and not the three, broken pieces that everyone around him, apart from Caspar made him out to be. He loved this version, he was happy, care-free and able to be a normal eighteen year old boy.  


"I almost had it!" Joe yelled at the screen, half-falling into Caspar who was perched beside him, laughing his head off and clicking away at his x-box controller. "This is bullshit! That was a glitch, that was a  _legit_ glitch!"  


Caspar laughed harder, dropping his controller and falling onto his back with his hands clutching his stomach. "You are  _such_ a whiny, little bitch when you're losing."  


"I'm not!" Joe said firmly, pausing the game of Fifa they had been in the middle of. "It was a glitch, I swear to god, Caspar. My player  _froze_ on the screen, I couldn't move him!"  


"That's too bad for you, then," Caspar grinned, sitting up slightly and flicking Joe's forehead. "Now I get first dibs on what takeaway we're having tonight and I call....  _Pizza!_ Pizza, pizza, pizza!"  


Joe groaned, rolling away from Caspar and dropping his face into one of the many pillows surrounding them. It wasn't like Joe  _hated_ pizza or anything, it was just that he felt as though whenever he was with Caspar, all they ate was pizza and he desperately needed to vary his diet a little bit. "Anything but pizza, Casp, please."  


"What do you have against pizza?"  


"Nothing," Joe said before pouncing on his best friend and straddling Caspar's waist. He hovered above Caspar and the blonde boy stared up at him with wide, cerulean eyes that Joe was sure he could drown in if he ever stared at them for too long. He pouted cutely at Caspar before leaning down and tucking his face into the boy's neck, he felt Caspar's arm come up around him, preventing him from going anywhere. "Just, please, please, please, just for tonight, can we try something different?"  


Caspar froze, his mind instantly fell into the gutter. There was such an obvious double meaning behind what Joe just asked for and he wasn't sure if Joe was asking for food... or... or something else. He opted for the food option and sighed, he couldn't win against Joe when he was so cute, when he was so clingy and whiny. "Okay, what do you have in mind?"  


Joe pulled back, his lips just centimeters away from Caspar's. He observed how Caspar's lips were so close to his, they were the perfect shape... slightly pink and his mouth was parted and oh, he was leaning forward and for some reason... he wasn't sure if it was because of this identity he wore but he leaned in too, meeting Caspar in the middle. Their lips touched, just a feather-light touch but it was enough for Joe to bring a hand up to Caspar's cheek and keep him from moving away, it was enough for Caspar to kiss him back, this time harder and more insistent.  


Caspar sat up with Joe still in his arms and tilted his head slightly so that they could fit together perfectly. Joe gasped into Caspar's mouth and the blonde boy took the chance and touched Joe's tongue with his own, it was just a little touch but it turned into so much more when Joe reciprocated, winding his arms tightly around Caspar's neck and allowing their tongues to tangle. "Oh," Joe whispered into Caspar's mouth as they pulled apart to breathe. "I've never felt something –  


"Neither have I,"  


Their lips met once again, this time with ease and Joe found himself melting into Caspar's touch, he found himself whimpering and asking for more. His fingers tightened around the collar of Caspar's shirt and then Caspar turned them around so that Joe was on the floor, his lips swollen and his eyes glossy under the dim lamp light. Joe closed his eyes and arched his back as Caspar began kissing down his neck, inching his t-shirt up with every kiss he left behind.  


_In love..._  


➳  


It had been two months since the kiss, the kiss that neither boy had spoken about since that night, the kiss that hadn't changed anything in their relationship other than the fact that both boys found themselves quietly longing for the other, quietly longing for the taste of each other. So maybe it had affected their relationship despite them carrying on as per normal, despite Joe going through each of his identities... maybe they were just scared to admit that it had left an impact.  


Joe glanced over at Caspar, the blonde boy had his eyes fixed on the road in front of him – one hand on the steering wheel and the other laced with Joe's own hand. Today had been the last day of school, the last day of high school but the beginning of the rest of their lives. Joe wasn't sure where it left him, where it left  _them_ because he still worried about Caspar leaving him, he still worried that Caspar might not stick around.  


Joe played with Caspar's fingers, he wasn't exactly sure which identity he was right now because truth be told, it felt like he was a bit of everything – a bit of all, three versions of himself. "Caspar?"  


"Yeah?" Caspar's eyes flickered towards Joe and a small smile tugged at his lips.  


"Where're we going?"  


"We're almost there," Caspar promised. "I found this spot, it has a great view of the sunset and you can see the whole town from there. I want to... I want to show it to you."  


Joe smiled, "I'd like that."  


Caspar squeezed Joe's hand and kept driving, steering his old jeep with care over the rough corners. It felt like they were heading up a mountain, if the winding roads were any indication. Caspar turned one, last corner and pulled up onto a dirt road, he drove down the road before turning once again and stopping at what looked to be a vantage point. He parked the jeep as close to the edge as he could get without it being dangerous before turning off the ignition.  


The two boys got out of the car and clambered onto the hood before lying down beside each other. Their hands sought after each other again and their fingers entwined. "I don't know why," Caspar paused before turning his head to look at Joe, "But I can't tell which identity you have on today."  


Joe laughed, "That makes two of us."  


"I think you're all three versions of yourself, today. I think you're one person today but then again you've always been one person to me."  


"You really think so?" Joe whispered, sitting up.  


The sun was gliding behind clouds in front of them, it painted the sky in shades of orange, yellow and pink but all Joe was concentrated on was Caspar, all Joe could see was Caspar... this beautiful, beautiful boy in front of him who knew no bounds, who knew everything about Joe, who had seen every side to Joe that there was but had stayed nevertheless. He had stayed against all the odds and for that, Joe owed him everything. Absolutely everything.  


"Yes," Caspar said softly. "I really think so."  


Joe crossed his legs, turning his body so that he could face Caspar completely with no boundaries between them. "I'm scared," Joe admitted after a little while of them just losing themselves in each other. "I'm really, fucking scared Caspar."  


"About what?" Caspar's hand was on Joe's cheek then, his thumb brushing over the skin gently.  


"The future," Joe placed his own hand atop Caspar's, stilling the motion of his thumb. "But mostly, I'm scared that you're not going to be there, I'm scared that you'll leave because I don't want you to and I know that might be selfish considering how much you've had to deal with in this friendship... my multiple identities, my problems... but I don't want you to leave."  


"Joe, I'm –  


"Because I've fallen in love with you." A few tears trickled out of Joe's eyes, they fell down his cheeks and splashed onto the hood of the jeep. "Every version of myself has fallen in love with you. I tried  _so hard_ not to let it happen because there's no way this will end well for the both of us, you can't-you can't love someone as messed up as me. But it did, because you and your fucking gestures – bringing me pastries on a cold morning to cheer me up, coming back to me no matter how much I hurt you... kissing me that  _night_ –  


"I think about that night all the time," Caspar said, out of the blue. The blonde boy had sat still for the past few seconds, just letting Joe get out all the feelings he had cooped up inside of him, just letting Joe speak and marveling in how far his best friend had come since they were fifteen and he was first diagnosed. Joe was every version at once, he was the best parts of every version... all at once. "Joe. I'm not leaving you, how could you even think of something like that? I will  _never_ leave you, it's you and me against the world, remember?"  


He pulled the brunette closer, impossibly closer until Joe was splayed out on his lap – the perfect position to do what he was about to do. As he brushed his lips over Joe's, for the second time since that night, Caspar could only think about the future, he could only think about how long he had been waiting for Joe to tell him that he felt the same because for fuck's sake, he had been waiting such a  _long_ time. "I love you," Caspar breathed, leaning his forehead against Joe's. "I love everything about you, every version of you there is and no matter how much you push me away, I'll always come running back because I'm stupid like that... because it's you and for you, I'd do anything. Anything at all."

   

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed it! this is actually the longest one-shot i've written, haha, it was like nine pages on word! but anyway, it's one of my favourites and i hope you liked it :) thank you for reading and see you soon <3


End file.
